Ella writes (lunchtime on third day of new job)
We recently finished with our therapist. We moved to her last year and for six months we have been having our individual sessions followed by one for both of us.
We decided to stop for a while because we had said all we felt able to say to her. There are feelings and experiences I have shared with Eve that I still could not say face-to-face to any other person. I know the same thing is true for her.
But in some ways the therapist has helped me. I now have a pretty good idea of what everyday events can trigger abnormal reactions. I can deal with some of them, some have gone away by practising them again and again until my brain got used to the idea. A few I have to work round, perhaps for ever.
Some are so silly, some so obvious.
Sitting in a middle of a room rather than with my back to the wall is still quite hard. So is dealing with any situation where I feel “I am in trouble”. Watching some films (most recently Happy Valley) where there are very specific forms of violence is not a good idea.
Undressing in front of girls like at school for PE and showers took ages to get used to. Eve has an ace funny story about this she might share, she tells it better than I do. Same thing with my boyfriend who had to be very patient.
I still cannot bear to even touch a riding crop and seeing one like I did at a Car Boot sale is still really frightening.
I have never shared this before and I hope nobody minds.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
Adoption is so much better than this. (1)
L-E and H were two years younger than Ella and I. Before the Children's Home both had had a whole series of failed foster placements. If you want or need to label them I suppose you could try “challenging but not nasty”. They quickly fell into debt after leaving the Childrens’ Home and vanished from their shared flat within a few months of moving in. In August of 2009 they were tracked down by a mutual friend via Facebook. They are now living in a commune in deepest Wales and Eve and I hope to visit them this summer. They claim that they they only had two visits from their designated social worker in their last three months in the flat. They tell the same old sad story of being lied to again and again about the support on offer to care leavers.
I am so pleased (so is Eve) they seem to have found the love and security they needed.
I am so pleased (so is Eve) they seem to have found the love and security they needed.
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Fostering older children
Eve wrote
I know it will sound obvious but if you get involved with fostering older children don't assume or even hope that you will be able to put right everything that has gone wrong in that childs life in a few days, weeks or months.
Before you tell yourself that you would never treat a foster child differently from your own children be sure, 100% sure, that you mean it. A foster Mum unexpectedly finds she is expecting a baby what happens? Does her own child get sent back to the Children's Home while she keeps the foster child??
When a child arrives it is really nice if you have some NEW books or toys or both of the appropriate age range not cast-offs or nothing at all (Yes the Lady Mayor strikes again.)
I know it will sound obvious but if you get involved with fostering older children don't assume or even hope that you will be able to put right everything that has gone wrong in that childs life in a few days, weeks or months.
Before you tell yourself that you would never treat a foster child differently from your own children be sure, 100% sure, that you mean it. A foster Mum unexpectedly finds she is expecting a baby what happens? Does her own child get sent back to the Children's Home while she keeps the foster child??
When a child arrives it is really nice if you have some NEW books or toys or both of the appropriate age range not cast-offs or nothing at all (Yes the Lady Mayor strikes again.)
Friday, 8 January 2010
Adoption UK
http://www.adoptionuk.org
I'm disappointed that most of the stories of older adopted children posted on this site seem so negative. Good news = no news?
I'm also disappointed that younger readers who were adopted or fostered themselves don't seem to post to these boards. The strapline is so misleading! It should read "supporting adoptive parents ..." with a very, very clear notice on every page directing adopted children elsewhere.
I'm disappointed that most of the stories of older adopted children posted on this site seem so negative. Good news = no news?
I'm also disappointed that younger readers who were adopted or fostered themselves don't seem to post to these boards. The strapline is so misleading! It should read "supporting adoptive parents ..." with a very, very clear notice on every page directing adopted children elsewhere.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Nicola Morris - died 2008
This blog is dedicated to the memory of Nicola Morris. Nicola spent most of her short life in foster care or in a Children's Home and she died aged 21 with only a few friends and colleagues to mourn her passing. May she rest in peace.
Ella writes
Although Nichola wasn't a proper friend we both knew her. She left the Home about 18 months before us. She worked in the supermarket we used and we spoke to her most weeks for just for a couple of minutes.
In December 2009 I decided to visit her grave so I called at the little shop next door to the petrol station to buy a few flowers and then drove up to the cemetery.
The car park was empty and because the cemetery was wide open to the freezing cold breeze and with the sun hiding behind dark clouds it was very bleak. The more recent graves were pretty much in date order so I found Nichola's after a few minutes.
There was nothing to show that anybody ever visits her grave which made it even sadder. I “talked” to her for a short while, put the flowers on and said goodbye. I felt very silly but I pleased I had bothered.
I had a little cry walking back to my car. It seems such a waste to die at 21, especially if you didn’t have many happy times in your life. It could so easily have been Eve or I lying there if things had worked out just a bit differently. I think I will visit the grave once a year now.
Eve writes
Somewhere in my flat I have the thank-you letter, enclosing a photo, sent by Nichola’s last pair of foster parents to Ella and me the week after the funeral. They sent it c/o the Children’s Home because they didn’t have an address for us. It seems as if Nichola had kept in touch with her foster parents for the last few years of her life.
In the letter they told us that Nichola had gone into hospital for minor elective surgery and the wound had got infected with MRSA. When Nichola (finally) told them how ill she was they had driven over to see her and they visited her every day from then until she died. I think this can only have been for a few days because Ella and I certainly saw Nichola alive and well only a few (2 or 3?) weeks before she died. I can just about remember the last time we spoke. She was stacking the tinned vegetable shelves and we had our usual quick exchange of news.
After the service at the crematorium I can remember being invited to look at the flowers. I didn’t realise until I got outside that they meant the flowers that had been on the coffin – not just the flowers in general. There were two small bunches, one from “Mum and Dad” and one with a name I cannot remember. We then set off to walk back into town, luckily the Manager of the Home offered us a lift which was kind of him.
N wasn’t stupid – not by any means – and if she had been given just a bit more encouragement to stay on at school who knows what might have happened.
I have since been in touch with Nichola final set of foster parents. They are still living at the same address. They were very pleased to hear Ella had visited her grave. They have had lots of foster children since Nichola but they still remember her. “She was an artistic girl and we still have one of her pictures in the house. Nichola never settled down to life in our small village and after a few months everybody agreed it would be best for her placement to be ended. Every foster parent dreads one of their former children dying and we are so glad it has only happened to us once.”
Ella writes
Although Nichola wasn't a proper friend we both knew her. She left the Home about 18 months before us. She worked in the supermarket we used and we spoke to her most weeks for just for a couple of minutes.
In December 2009 I decided to visit her grave so I called at the little shop next door to the petrol station to buy a few flowers and then drove up to the cemetery.
The car park was empty and because the cemetery was wide open to the freezing cold breeze and with the sun hiding behind dark clouds it was very bleak. The more recent graves were pretty much in date order so I found Nichola's after a few minutes.
There was nothing to show that anybody ever visits her grave which made it even sadder. I “talked” to her for a short while, put the flowers on and said goodbye. I felt very silly but I pleased I had bothered.
I had a little cry walking back to my car. It seems such a waste to die at 21, especially if you didn’t have many happy times in your life. It could so easily have been Eve or I lying there if things had worked out just a bit differently. I think I will visit the grave once a year now.
Eve writes
Somewhere in my flat I have the thank-you letter, enclosing a photo, sent by Nichola’s last pair of foster parents to Ella and me the week after the funeral. They sent it c/o the Children’s Home because they didn’t have an address for us. It seems as if Nichola had kept in touch with her foster parents for the last few years of her life.
In the letter they told us that Nichola had gone into hospital for minor elective surgery and the wound had got infected with MRSA. When Nichola (finally) told them how ill she was they had driven over to see her and they visited her every day from then until she died. I think this can only have been for a few days because Ella and I certainly saw Nichola alive and well only a few (2 or 3?) weeks before she died. I can just about remember the last time we spoke. She was stacking the tinned vegetable shelves and we had our usual quick exchange of news.
After the service at the crematorium I can remember being invited to look at the flowers. I didn’t realise until I got outside that they meant the flowers that had been on the coffin – not just the flowers in general. There were two small bunches, one from “Mum and Dad” and one with a name I cannot remember. We then set off to walk back into town, luckily the Manager of the Home offered us a lift which was kind of him.
N wasn’t stupid – not by any means – and if she had been given just a bit more encouragement to stay on at school who knows what might have happened.
I have since been in touch with Nichola final set of foster parents. They are still living at the same address. They were very pleased to hear Ella had visited her grave. They have had lots of foster children since Nichola but they still remember her. “She was an artistic girl and we still have one of her pictures in the house. Nichola never settled down to life in our small village and after a few months everybody agreed it would be best for her placement to be ended. Every foster parent dreads one of their former children dying and we are so glad it has only happened to us once.”
Why this blog, why now?
The target audience for this blog is young adults from 18 to 30 who were adopted, fostered or who lived in a Children's Home.
There is loads of stuff on the Net for parents who are adopting or fostering children but there is very little for people who were adopted or fostered! Why is this?
As for people who spent years in a Children's Home, like Eve and I did, well there is virtually nothing. We are the forgotten ones!
We have set up a forum (free to join) at :-
http://childrenshome.myfastforum.org/
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